Happy New Year— Here Are Housewives’ Resolutions

( I tried this on my family a few years ago. I picked out New Year’s resolutions for them. Somehow this got portrayed as ‘bossy’ and ‘inappropriate’. Hmmmm well I can’t help people who can’t help themselves… anyways, let’s see if it works on the Housewives)

My (Assigned) New Year’s Resolutions.

*) Erika. The Glam Squad is getting to be a bit much.  Maybe take some time away. I can’t be the only one who’s getting tired of Mikey’s living, breathing game of Barbies.  At this point I’m wondering if she can get ready for yoga or pick up Tom’s viagra without a room full of people overseeing it like a Broadway production.  It’s fun for a big party but does her EVERY outing need to be scripted dress-up?    Mikey: “Where is She going today? She’s very soccer-mom headed to the DMV but wait for it— She’s serving safari glam, too.” “What if she’s Queen Isabella of Spain headed to a royal wedding but the wedding is set at Studio 54!  Are you feeling this look ?“. Rest of room squeals at Mikey’s genius. Also — Mikey doesn’t do hair, makeup , design clothes or even know how to operate a spray tan gun as far as I can tell.   So as creative director-he… picks outfits and creates narratives for them?  Pssst-  Pinterest can do that for ya for free, EJ. Mikey owes you at least a month of his salary back for the skater jacket, pigtails, fuchsia lip confessional.    Tell him I said so.  

*) Rinna—  OWNING IT.
‘Own it’ is Real Housewife-speak for making an appropriate apology after you shit on someone. “Own it” should have long-since been trademarked by Bravo just like “journey” should have been by ABC. Seriously. They should have TM-ed the word ‘journey’ in reference to not a band or a trip but a self-growth experiment for the sake of love and notoriety filmed by cameras. ABC’s lawyers need be fired. But I’ll give them a pass because most of Q2 and Q3 were eaten up trying to fend off Mogul Corinne’s impending threats.


*) Cast Trips. No— just no. They are launched with the fakest of the fake premise. Sure,  we are all are willing to suspend some judgement for the sake of the ride but these days they are not even TRYING.  The set-ups are lamer than FaceTiming someone about beef they recently ate.  They are worse than PK eating a bowl of pudding and dribbling half of it on his chin and leaving it there all afternoon and remembering about it at 5 after his nap and licking it off. ‘We all have summer bdays, hold on let me invite someone with two small children who has never met everyone else in the room and she can go at 14 hours notice.’ Spare us. Spare us the new girl getting hazed (she’s sitting in a field in Ireland, she’s sitting in a hotel room in Iceland, she’s sitting on a boat somewhere messing up the simplest of colloquialisms). Done. Bored


*) WHILST I’m ranting about production. I boldly resolute for them to up their filming game. I think I speak for Housewives Nation when I say that when the Twitter feuds, off-Season stuff and real-time financial and legal woes become better than the actual show,—- as Oscar Rogers says,  “FIX…  IT.”       The BEST part of 21 epis of OC Season 12 was 4 minutes filmed on someone’s phone in the middle of the night in Iceland???? WHAT.   Unacceptable.   If LuAnn’s arrest, subsequent trip to “rehab” (AKA Spa she slimmed down at for 10 days because the publicist knew that’s the next move) and ‘journey’ through the dark days of doing her upcoming cabaret show while lamenting her failed marriage to Tom are not shown, I will personally fly to New York City and destroy every Cardinals tchotchke in Andy’s clubhouse til there’s nothing left but Wacha’s doggie bed and a weave of Cynthia’s that fell behind a chair in 2011. That was a long sentence, I know. But that will be all …uncool.


Okay — my work is done here.  Add YOUR additional Housewives crowd-imposed resolutions below!   Happy New Year to all.


25 Replies to “Happy New Year— Here Are Housewives’ Resolutions”

  1. I would like to see Bravo not hire anyone with serious mental health issues. At the very least they should be let go the minute it becomes obvious that they’re having a break-down or have an addiction issue. Watching people in a downward spiral is not entertaining. Think Kelly Bensimon, Aviva, Kim Richards, Jules and Siggy. Heck, even Bethenny should have been in treatment when she was so obviously shattered by what was going on in her life.

    I’m also sick of hearing about how the women “want to move forward” when you know they are just waiting for the next opportunity to bring up the same issue because they’ve never dealt with it in the first place.

    Oh and stop pretending to be friends. Most of them are co-workers, Amen.

  2. Before I say anything, let me just send a rousing, raucous shout out to Jill, our extraordinary author. This was by far *THE* best article on this site. Ever. You are a joy to read, a cunning linguist, and I couldn’t agree more with it. ALL of it.

    I would like to co-sign all of this, but most especially the glam squad thing. It’s just absurd. Her “looks” are not “fierce”, and she’s not “slaying”. She is the middle-aged daughter of Clemmy from Reno 911 and Baby Jane. I love that Teddi just looks at her with STFU in her eyes. And Mikey needs to go back to his styling career at Hot Topic or gymboree or wherever the hell he came from. I’m so sick of him.

  3. She’s a hot mess. I read somewhere that after she and what’s his name split, Kelly, her brother and mother haven’t been in contact – much less living together. OK, outta the shower, j/s. I’m feeling rejuvenated. The old man just woke up……and no, I’m NOT in the mood!

  4. Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize Jill was the author. I thought ppl were referring to Jill Zarin. I didn’t read the article, so….maybe time to head upstairs with doggie!!

  5. Somebody classy! Mine is very classy, so he’s kinda hard to beat. I’m been freaking blessed. 41yrs. and I could not find a suitable replacement. If he goes before me, I’ll just curl up like a cat and die. He still doesn’t get sex tonight!!

  6. Prince Harry is hottttttttt. I used to think William was hot back in the day, but not so much now. My grandson looks like Harry.

  7. It sounds as though we’re both blessed!! And no, nobody wants to wake up to ugly. He’s 65 and still hot. We have beautiful kids/grandkids and oh, a golden retriever. Golden’s are beautiful. I do say no sometimes even if I’m mad, which is seldom. I’m just sleepy!!

  8. Ya know? Sometimes that black/white mix turns out really nice. She’s beautiful……Grandson is a ginger. His hair is thicker AF. Not RED, just a beautiful shade of ginger.

  9. I thought about her, but she kinda redeemed herself this year by NOT running to the hospital when Vicki was faking a heart attack. I like the fact that she was sane enough to eat a good meal first.

  10. Maybe not, but in that moment, I adored her. Ignoring the drama queen and pushing Peggi’s buttons at the same time? I think that was my favourite episode of the season.

  11. Being the control freak I am, I’d love to assign resolutions! Let’s start with BH.
    1) LVP – Stop dressing like Lizzie Borden
    2) Erikunty – Stop letting those bored queens play dress up on you.
    3) Rinna – Get a new wig.
    4) Doritos – Pick an accent
    5) Kyle – Stop pretending you give 2 shts about Kim.
    6) Teddy – Run girl run.

  12. I agree with this list. The Erika one is so true and it is the only thing that I ever remember about Erika on the show.

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